The Truth Will Set You Free

I spent my life in chains. Locked up in a cage this world put on me, and when offered a key, laughed in the face in the face of the freedom giver erroneously thinking it was too good to be true. I tried to free myself through my own will and I constantly found myself accomplishing nothing but the chains digging deeper into my raw flesh.

A few times someone came along and opened the door, forgetting to lock it. I opened the door quietly and stepped outside to a dark forest full of twisted branches and unearthly noises. Afraid of what I wasn’t familiar with, I quickly stepped back through the door, back to my own bondage. I soon drifted asleep, sickly comfortable in my counterfeit contentment, ignorant to the fact that paces beyond the morbid dark wood, a green valley with fields of sunflowers resided.

I awoke moments or ages later so afraid and so cold; the chains seemed to be growing heavier and sharper as the minutes rolled by. In panic, I struggled like I never struggled before. Sharp rusty metal left deep cuts I watched as the blood flowed onto the dirt beneath me. My breaths became fewer, my body convulsing. Out of my guts I let out a cry that seemed to shake the whole atmosphere. At the end of myself I stopped struggling and threw myself on the ground. Tears mixed with blood, hope seemed unattainable, freedom impossible. Blackness began to surround me, the woods growing darker and darker. My own hands began to fade away. I uttered one last bitter cry to someone, anyone.

Then something in the atmosphere changed. Like a flash of lightening I caught a glimpse of something…or someone… The image was blurry, yet so sharp. I couldn’t quite make out the details but there was brightness about him… hope. I began to cry harder, my tired voice scratchy and aching. He came back; suddenly clear like the lens on a camera focusing.

Standing before me was light itself…. vibrant love in a human form. He reached through the bars of the repressive cage. I drew back, afraid of those unknown hands, their brightness revealing the mangled state of my body. But the fear within me wasn’t the same fear that had haunted me for so long, that turned my insides into knots of dread, but a reverent awe in knowing this power far surpassed the strength of my chains.

A battle raged inside my broken spirit. Dare I trust this unknown angelic man who offered me a hand, who filled me with awe and hope, who somehow saw beyond my dirtiness and despair and showed a never dying love just by the brightness coming from his face?

Closing my eyes I drew a heavy breathe and reached out my bloody scarred hand…

(2004)

Accept The Good

The other night I watched the film "Things We Lost In the Fire."
I wasn't sure how it would be, but it was quite beautiful and incredible. The theme of redemption the world is so hungry for seem to be showing more and more through media. One line in the movie that was actually a theme, a saying that the husband who heroically died said, was

Accept the good.

It seems simple enough. We all want good, why wouldn't we accept it?
Often I think we have a wrong view of God, and this wrong view bleeds into every area of our lives.
We are told so much that being a Christian is hard, that we need to expect trials, make sure we are ready for war, basically always have our guard up.

So when good happens, when peace overcomes war, when love conquers fear, we are so cynical and skeptical, we think it must be the enemy tricking us, this can't happen to Christians, we are supposed to suffer for Christ,

This is too good to be true...

The crazy thing is, when something seems to good to be true, it's usually means it is truth. THE Truth.

A God that knows us throughly and loves us completely, Grace that levels anything good or bad we can do and puts us all in the same boat. Forgiveness, redemption, abundance, our dreams coming true- all these things seem too good to be true...

Yet, this is the gospel. Yet all these things are what make up the kingdom of heaven- this is the heart of God- EVERY good and perfect gift is from Him.

We are so afraid we don't deserve it... we don't... and that's the point.

Accept the Good.

Will My Story Dazzle The World?

Staring at the blank page before me…the rest is still unwritten…

If my life was book, would people want to turn the page?
Would it invoke deep wells of emotion?
Would it keep people up late into the night, laughing and crying and realizing they are not alone in the universe?
If I was the protagonist of a movie, would people care about my plight?
Would the plot twist and turn?
Would it always be filled with highs and lows, romance and tragedy?
Is the main theme about things that matter, about truth, love, justice and freedom?
What is the mountain I need to climb, the climax, the resolution?
What is the story of my life?

I am reminded of times when God whispered so clearly,
This is your life.

A time when I was in the woods, walking back to my tent and sobbing because my heart broke for people. I took it to mean He was calling me to missions.

Another time, when I stood in the middle of a crowd in Canada- thousands of kids in an auditorium, crying out to God to make them whole. I took it to mean I was going to be on ministry team.

I realize now, it isn’t so much the action of the next step God was trying to show me, He was showing me my life would not be comfortable and painless.
In fact, I would be a broken vessel Him to use.
This is your life.

Deep down, I need my life to be broken and put back together over and over.
I need it to be both beautiful and tragic, the stuff that makes up an adventure.

I’ve had this other thought the year, that seems to have been born out of heart break. This thought comes as an eye to a hurricane, a surprise in the middle of wading through some real swampy situation that I didn’t think I would come out of alive.

I am gonna write about this someday.

This thought, seems to defy all logic, shake me up, and in the end make me laugh at the dramatic irony of life.

When I push past the pain, and begin to acknowledge I am broken, the situation sucked and people will failed me again, that’s when the thought comes, and with it comes the beginning of healing.

I am gonna to write about this someday.

Say it to yourself next time through the tears.
I now leave you with this:

Write everyday.
Line by line, page by page, hour by hour.
Do this despite fear.
For above all else, beyond imagination and skill, what the world asks of you is courage. Courage to risk rejection, ridicule and failure.
As you follow the quest for stories told with meaning and beauty,
study thoughtfully, but write boldly.
Then, like the hero of the fable, your dance will dazzle the world.
–Robert Mckee

Bits of Beauty Out of Heaps of Junk

The other morning I got up at 5 am to go Yard Sale-ing. It was quite the experience. I was dead tired (I worked the night before from 4 pm- 12:30 am) but luckily, I was with some regular yard sale-ing professionals. It was like a treasure hunt, finding something trendy or beautiful among heaps of worthless junk. When we got home, Amanda and I put up all our decorations, our new table and chairs, re-arraged a few things, and were astounded by how different our house looks! Somehow, every little bit seems to fit together, yet still expressing our eccentric and artistic flairs.

I realized, my life is kinda like that. God has to sift through alot alot of junk, but somehow manages to pull out bits and pieces that He falls in loves with and rescues from the dumpster. He begins to put these pieces together, one by one, rearranging them, adding His own touch. Suddenly, I look around and I realize it was not an accident, nothing is. He really did have the final outcome in mind the whole time!

Slowly, one piece at a time, my life is coming together.

Even when it looks like a complete mess, like everything I thought was sure is falling apart, when those I put my hope in fail me, when I screw up, or feel like it's meaningless, God still has a plan.

And I know deep down, no matter what, in the end,

Chocolate Pudding

Life is a complete mess.

I don’t mean this is a hopeless, rip your hair out way, more sweet, like a toddler covered in chocolate pudding.

As much as I think I am this free thinker, this go-with-the-flow let’s see where life takes me, kind of person, I still try to control. I still try to clean up, to order, to try and fix things and people.

I guess that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We are all trying to create some kind of order out of the chaos that it is to be human, but I think the danger in doing so is refusing to see our humanity.

I am human. We are all human. What does that mean?

My burn scab bleeds when I pick it. I am indecisive and judgmental. I long for intimacy and for someone to see me for who I am. I am a bundle of contradictions, addictions, a tangled mess of beauty and ugliness and love and hate. We all are.

I don’t think being a Christian means ignoring that, or somehow thinking we are above all that. Because Jesus is ultimate reality, looking to Him should lead us to complete honesty. We want to be so spiritual, we want to play God, so we control. I do it all the time. I plan out how conversations and situations are going to look in my head. I manipulate to try to get people to see my accomplishments, my “brilliance.” It’s gross, it’s pride. It’s our fallen humanity in action.

I am beginning to see that life is a mess, but the mess is in fact beautiful.

Does parent love their kid any less when they smear chocolate pudding all over their faces? It’s funny, no matter how many times you give a little kid a bath, it’s like they keep getting dirty. It’s almost like they are a dirt magnet.

Being human means we’re gonna get dirty.

It’s inevitable. We’re going to say things we regret, we are going to feel insecure one moment, puffed up the next.

Our hearts are going to break.

I see Jesus in this too.
In fact, I see Jesus more in the moments I am smeared with self hate or chocolate pudding or mud or condemnation.

He’s there... Smiling...
“I love you. You’re beautiful... Now, let’s go take a bath.”

Walking Somewhere New

I have a certain walking path that I follow. It goes out of my house, up Mount Sylvan road, where there is no sidewalks and cars whiz by me, Texas drivers in a hurry to get from point A to point B. My walking path altars when I get to the park. Instead of walking around, I make my way through the park, meandering when I get to the playground shaded by the trees, stopping to swing on a swing or pick a flower from one of the trees just to smell it. When I have had my fill of childhood, and remember something important I need to go waste my time on, I leave the park and walk past a field surrounded by a white fence, followed by a row of identical houses, lined in like soldiers waiting for an order. Then I make my way back up another street, whose name I can never remember, around to the other side of my house.

This is the walking path I have chosen, the one I am familiar and comfortable with. I know the signs (well some of them) the trees that are taller or stand out, the flower gardens and unkempt yards. I am used to the large sign announcing the ironic name of the park I walk through- “Pool Park- donated by Maggie and Frank Pool” Yet there is no swimming pool to be found. (I wonder sometimes how many kids are disappointed in that) I know where the sidewalks end and the road gets dusty, where a good picnic table to stretch out on is, where the road gets a little more steep, and my breathes get shorter. I know this road that I walk.

Often times I get to a point in my life I just don’t know why I am going where I am going. I have this call of God on my life, this willingness to be some sort of a vessel, to advance the kingdom of God, but I so easily get caught up in routine to the point where it all seems meaningless. I found myself at this place this summer. I had just finished four years of “being in ministry.” I was emotionally exhausted, spiritually burnt out, frustrated and bitter. I needed a nap badly. I couldn’t find my joy, couldn’t see past the questions, the suppressing tiredness that had replaced the passion and vigor I started out with. Not to say I had lost my love for Jesus, I had just become so jaded by the system- so tired of feeling like everything in American Christianity was hyped up and hypocritical, everything seems so cliché and corny. I wanted to get away bad. So, I did what any normal human being would do, I tried to figure things out. I tried to find the answers, make sense of the hurt I had experienced, tried to sort out the bitterness to no avail. So I gave up.

I gave up and went for a walk, but this time, I walked down another path. I don’t really know what possessed me to do that, but something in me needed to break the routine. I walked down town, towards the small brick community of country folk with their antiques and odds and ends shops. I walked into one of them, drawn by something or someone. I entered a room, a beautiful jungle of dried flowers formed in artistic wreaths and arrangements. The name of the shop was Heaven on Earth. I began talking to the owner, and as soon as she started speaking, I knew Who had directed me into this shop. She spoke words of truth, of healing out of her own painful experiences and life lessons. I soaked it up like a dry sponge. When our conversation was through, I walked out, my eyes full of tears, but for the first time in a long time, my heart full of hope.

I have a certain walking path that I follow, but sometimes I need to give up and walk somewhere new.

Leave It All Behind

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is not safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” Helen Keller, a woman who overcame the immeasurable odds of being born both deaf and blind, penned those powerful words

Our entire nation is based on security. We have national security, homeland security, educational security, financial security, LIFE security. Everything must be secure- planned out, protected, all risk eliminated- you don’t want to lose it all. But the truth is, no matter what lengths you go make your life more safe and structured, it will fail. Life is fragile, and in the end, the only thing we can put our hope in is the Lord. As a young Christian beginning to make many life decisions, it is so easy to make security our number one goal when planning for the future.
We use cliché phrases like, “God wants me to have wisdom; surely he would want this for me.” I am not saying that a life that is planned out and secured financially is wrong, but is it what Jesus has asked of you, or is it just what you assume you should do?

It seems as if the gospel portrays following Jesus as a life of risk, a daring adventure like Helen Keller talked about. Jesus called his disciples to a life style that throws off security in anything other than Him, and He calls us as his modern day disciples to this same life of risk. I asked my friend Elizabeth where she finds her security. “I tend to worry about my future.” She replied. “But when I look at the past, I see these incredible things that God has given me.”
There Goes the Security Blanket!

It seems like every time I find myself in a place where I don’t need to worry about money, where I think I have it all figured out, then suddenly my security blanket will be gone. It’s like whenever I put my hope in what I think my next step will be God turns everything upside down! Does this mean it’s wrong to plan ahead?

An Australian friend of mine, Lexie, lives her life trusting God for everything. “It depends on who you are, as to whether to plan a long way ahead” She said, “It’s not wrong to do that, as long as it’s not because of fear.” As much as I want to think I have it all figured out ten years ahead, I have realized life just doesn’t work that way! God loves us too much to allow us to stay in a place where we think we don’t need him. We need to need Him, and He will do whatever it takes for us to realize that.



The Trap of the American Dream

It’s funny, the plans I had for my life, before God intervened. When I was 10, my perfect future plans were to live in an old house in the country, just me and my 9 cats and all sorts of other abused and neglected animals. I wouldn’t marry; I would just sit in my house with my cats and write. I am glad most life decisions are not made when you are in middle school, or I would have turned into one of those nut jobs all the neighborhood kids think is a witch. When I was thirteen I somehow made it onto the PETA website and was decided to be an animal rights activist and vegetarian. That lasted about four days then I gave in when my dad made barbecue spare ribs. Finally, I decided in high school I was going to become a veterinarian. I was losing confidence when it came to my writing, and I had a strange fascination with dissecting things in biology. (So much for PETA!) I had it all figured out. I was going to attend the University of New Hampshire, marry my boyfriend at the time, and then spend my life in a yellow house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, raising my three kids, and neutering puppies. Maybe I would write a book or two. I thought I could find security in a average life I was expected to have; I didn’t allow my self to dream outside that secure box.

How thankful I am that God dreams bigger than we do. I allowed myself to believe that all I really wanted was a “normal” life. I felt like my childhood had been weird in a lot of ways, and I just wanted something steady to hold onto. The American dream- we all fall for the trap that if only our life looks picture perfect, we will be happy. We believe that if only we are comfortable, safe and snug and secure, everything will be ok.

“Oh, I don’t need to be rich; I just want to be comfortable. I just want to secure a future for my children.” We say. How thankful I am that God is out for more then our comfort. How thankful I am I have realized the world is so much bigger then suburbia America and happiness doesn’t come in a shiny new SUV. I was created for so much more then a 9-5 cubicle prison and that the rings of the corporate ladder are too slippery to climb.

I am not saying it is wrong with having nice things, working in an office, and having what seems like an ordinary life. Those things are not bad, but what if God is calling you something different? So many are afraid to step outside their comfort zone and see what God really has for them. So many are terrified of stepping into the unconventional lifestyle they were born to live. Or maybe we are afraid of what we could truly accomplish dare we defy the logical, prison like box society has held us in.

My own dreams were far too small; I never thought I would amount to much. I was willing to settle for an average life, and then God showed up! The moment Jesus was truly real to me for the first time; he turned my plans upside down. I sat in an auditorium worshiping. The presence of God filled the room like I had never felt before. Jesus was so real, He felt so tangible I could nearly reach out and touch Him. All at once, nothing else mattered but Him. God was more real then the feeling of the chair underneath me, or the music in my ears, or the tears running down my face. I also knew in that moment I could never live an “ordinary” life. I got some sort of taste of my own destiny, it was so sweet and I wanted more. In that moment, I surrendered my security, my plans, and my dreams to His will. Every day since, it’s been a decision to do the same. But what do you do when all kinds of opposition comes against you?

Get a "Real Job!"

As a young person called to ministry, you are bound to hear that phrase, whether it be verbally from a family member or peer, or silently from the voice of the culture you are immersed it. Living in a country where the ideal life includes achieving great financial success can constrict God’s call on your life to trust him day to day.

The majority of us have certain expectations tied to us from the moment we are born. We graduate from learning to color in the lines and succeed in little league, to making sure we get that grade so we can go to that school, get that job, and make that pay check. The pressure to become what the world sees as a “successful” person can squash you if you don’t chose to let go of it. Sometimes the greatest pressure comes from our parents.

I am grateful to have parents that think out side the box when it comes to my life. If I inform them I am going to do something outlandish like live on a bus for 3 years traveling across the country, at first they are skeptical, but once I tell them I know it’s God’s will they are happy for me. But for many of my friends in ministry, the hardest thing for them to leave behind was their disappointed parents.

Kari, a petite friendly girl who grew up in Hawaii, told me that when she decided God was calling her to ministry, most of her family and many of her friends were against it. “I told them the cause is with it, and that if God takes me somewhere, He will provide!”

Realize it’s inevitable you are going to have opposition. Don’t think of the person as the enemy or ignore them, but rather do everything you can do to get them to understand the heart of what you are doing. Ultimately, all you can do is pray.

Life as a Day to Day Adventure


The Christian folk band Caedmon’s Call has a song I have adopted as the theme for my life called “Faith my eyes.” The line before the chorus is a simple yet profound statement: “I don’t want to know, ‘cause life is better off a mystery.” I am reminded of this at times when I am going through a struggle where it seems like the rug has just been pulled out from under me. Although it is painful and I feel like I can’t move, deep down beneath the fear this excitement and hope rises up that forces me to eventually just laugh and know everything is going to be ok.
I know a girl named Emily who lives in a Yurt in Alaska. She encourages people that life with Jesus is an adventure. “None of us live ordinary lives because of God! The joy is in the journey… Start each day with a deep breath of air, a smile and a heart full of hope and expectancy.” Isn’t that what we all want, deep down? An adventure to live, and people we love to share it with. Don’t listen to the voices that tell you your life has to fit into this tidy box, with step by step plans- after all, we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Trust the One that knows you completely and loves you recklessly. He will take you on an adventure you would have never been able to dream up. I love how Donald Miller puts it in his book Searching For God Knows What.

“The truth is there are a million steps, and we don’t even know what the steps are, and worse at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love.”

I challenge you to let go of the expectations and formula plan of how your life is supposed to be, leave it all behind, and walk the unknown less traveled path with your Father.